When Someone Asks “How Are You?”, They Really Don’t Want an Answer…

Every day, across office hallways, checkout counters, and WhatsApp group chats, the exact same interaction plays out: “How are you?” / “Good, you?” / “Doing well!” / “Niaje!” It’s a low-friction verbal wave—a social ritual designed to say “I acknowledge your presence” without demanding emotional energy from either person. Most of the time, we run this automation on autopilot. We don’t expect a real answer, and we certainly don’t plan on giving one.

But it raises an important question: has this daily routine actually made our interactions easier, or has it just made it harder to speak up when things aren’t okay?

When “I’m fine” is the default answer to everything, telling the truth feels terrifying. It feels like you’re breaking an unwritten rule, causing a scene, or dumping your baggage on someone who just meant to say hello. So you keep quiet. During Suicide Prevention Month, it’s worth asking ourselves: have the tiny routines we use to get through the day accidentally built a wall around the people who need help the most?

Disclaimer: Just to be clear—I am not a mental health professional or a therapist. I’m simply an avid reader who cares deeply about real human connection, diving into social trends, and sharing perspectives that matter. The thoughts and opinions expressed in this article are entirely my own and do not reflect the official position or views of Strathmore Business School.

The Signals: How Struggle Hides in Plain Sight

1. Humor as a Shield

When someone is going through a hard time, pain rarely looks like a dramatic cry for help. Most of the time, it hides behind jokes. Posting sarcastic memes, dark humor, or quick jokes about burnout on your WhatsApp status or Instagram story is often a quiet test—a way of throwing something out there to see if anyone cares enough to look closer. It lets you laugh it off on the outside while secretly praying someone reads between the lines, even though most people just tap right past it.

2. The Weight of Coming Home to Silence

Living alone changes the scale of your problems. When you unlock your door and walk into an empty, quiet house, every single bad thought gets louder. Small worries turn into giant monsters because there’s no one around to pull you out of your own head. Over time, that quiet space makes it way too easy to convince yourself that nobody would notice if you weren’t around anyway.

3. Useful, But Unseen

Having a phone full of contacts doesn’t mean you aren’t lonely. Nothing stings quite like realizing your phone only buzzes when someone wants something from you—a quick favor, help with work, or a bit of money. It makes you feel like a tool people use rather than a person people actually care about. You end up feeling needed, but completely invisible.

The Choice: How to Make a Real Connection

1. Initiate Contact Without an Agenda

Don’t wait for other people to call or text. Your friends might be fighting their own silent battles or trapped in the exact same loneliness, and making the first move could be the lifeline they’ve been waiting for. When you reach out, send a text that demands nothing back—no tasks, no favors, and no rush. Try something simple: “Hey, no favors needed and zero rush to reply—just wanted to say I’m thinking of you today.” It proves they aren’t just an errand on your to-do list.

2. Show Up In Person (Embrace the Inconvenience)

Building real community takes physical effort. It means putting on shoes, leaving your couch when you’re tired, and driving across town just to sit with someone. The price of genuine connection is inconvenience, but staring at four walls or sending texts back and forth will never replace actually showing up.

3. Deepen the Encounter

Skip “How are you?” and ask something that forces them to actually think—like “What’s been taking up the most space in your head this week?” or “Forget work for a second—how are you actually doing?” But asking a deep question means nothing if you’re already walking away. Stop moving, put your phone face down, or close your laptop to show you’re actually listening. And if you’re having a rough week yourself, stop pretending everything is great. Admitting a little truth lowers the guard rail and makes it safe for them to be real with you, too.

The Space: How to Handle Honest Answers

1. Stop Trying to Fix Everything

When someone finally drops the act and tells you they aren’t okay, the immediate temptation is to try and fix their life or hunt for a positive spin (“At least it’s Friday!” or “Hey, it could be worse”). But silver linings just make people feel dismissed. You don’t need to have all the answers. Sometimes, simply sitting there and saying, “That sounds really heavy. Thank you for telling me” is worth way more than any quick advice you could give.

2. Ask the Hard Questions Directly

If someone gives you a real answer and it sounds scary, don’t dance around it. Asking someone directly—”Are you thinking about ending your life?”—will not plant the idea in their head. It actually does the opposite. It opens a rare, safe door where they finally don’t have to pretend anymore, letting them know someone is strong enough to hear their truth.

If you or someone you know is carrying a heavy load right now, you don’t have to navigate it alone in Kenya: Kenya Red Cross Tele-Counseling: 1190 or 1199 (Toll-Free, 24/7),

Befrienders Kenya: +254 722 178 177,

Article by Michael Nyabaige Nyairo